Coping with Grief During the Holidays

The death of a loved one can be very emotional, and during the holiday season, the feelings of loss can be overwhelming. Everyone processes grief on their own time, and it can look different for every individual. There is no timeline to grief and loss. These suggestions may help during this difficult time when spending time with family and friends are often the focal point.

Activities to Help Cope During the Holidays

The following activities will help you keep your loved one part of a special occasion:

▪ Allow some time to feel sad. Have a good cry if you need to.

▪ Try to keep on a routine. Eat as well as you can, get rest, and keep up with any exercise program you may have.

▪ Light a special candle to honor your loved one.

▪ Special prayers can be said in memory of your loved one.

▪ Know that the anticipation of a holiday or family event often may be more difficult than the actual day.

▪ If you are not up to a large family affair, have a scaled-down event with a few close family members or friends.

▪ It’s okay to say “no”.

▪ Some people feel that a change of pace is more helpful than old familiar traditions. Do you want to do something entirely different, such as spend the holiday at the beach where you won’t be so acutely reminded of your loved one’s absence? Sometimes new traditions may develop. This is not “running away from your problems”, this is accommodating to your own personal and well-being needs.

▪ Ask others for what you need. Tell people what would help you the most. Have a voice.

▪ Help another person in need. Helping others can be a very effective way of healing after a loss, because when you are immersed in someone’s needs, you can be free of your own distress and pain.

▪ Get out the box of old pictures and start looking at them. People will not be able to resist making comments and sharing stories.

▪ Make your loved one’s favorite holiday recipe and share it with family and friends.

▪ Delegate. Let others share the workload by helping with decorations and preparing food.

▪ Look for a lecture or workshop to get through the holidays.

▪ Seek professional guidance if needed.

▪ Volunteer in some way in memory/honor of your loved one.

▪ Give yourself something to look forward to after the holidays.

▪ Make a memorial ornament, wreath, or other decoration in honor of your loved one.

▪ Don’t get trapped. When you go to holiday events, drive yourself (or coordinate a ride) so you can leave if it gets too much.

▪ Leave an empty seat at the holiday table in memory of your loved one.

▪ Visit your loved one’s gravesite and perhaps leave a meaningful holiday item.

▪ Buy a gift you would have given to your loved one and donate it to a local charity.

▪ Acknowledge that the holidays may be different and can be tough.

Holiday Action Plan

1. Consider actions you can take to make your holiday more enjoyable. This “action” may be related to financial concerns, feelings of loss, loneliness, family conflict, time pressures, etc.

2. Identify at least one change you are willing to make this holiday season. This does not have to be a large-scale change – one or two small, practical variations in how you will handle your holiday could be extremely helpful and effective. Write down this change. This year I will:

3. Look ahead to next year. We often do not think about the holiday changes we would like to make until the season is right on top of us. Identify the things that you would like to do differently during next year’s holiday season and begin your long-range planning now. For instance, you may want to start a holiday savings account begin making homemade gifts or broach the subject of changing certain holiday traditions with your family, i.e.: “Next year, maybe we could do this instead…” Write down what you would like to do differently next year. Next year I will:

A Holiday Poem for those who Grief

By Michael Vujovich

Go peacefully amid the Christmas craziness and rushing, and remember that you do not have to participate at anyone else’s pace but your own.

As far as possible, without giving away a piece of who you are, be on good terms with those who matter to you.

Speak of your grief quietly and clearly and whenever you feel like it. Allow others to listen to you and tell your story again and again.

Stay away from those who drain you and be with those who give you a sense of peace.

If you compare your grief with the grief of others you may become faltering and discouraged for there will always be people in different stages of grief. Know that YOU are where YOU need to be for YOU.

Enjoy your small steps of success along the path of grief. You have worked hard to attain each one.

Keep interested in your own plans and your own life.

Exercise caution in activities and traditions. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Set time limits on outings and events. Accomplish a few things and then rest. You heroically survived a death, you can heroically survive the holiday.

Be yourself. Cry when you feel like crying. Talk about your loved one when you are so moved. If “the world” can’t handle a name or a memory, then the world will have to learn … as you are learning. Don’t be bitter when someone talks of love. Love is still a rare and precious gift.

Listen, if you are able, to those of us who are farther down the road in our grief. We walked where you are now walking. We remember that searing intense pain. It has gotten better for us. It will get better for you as well.

Nurture yourself. Take a break from all the “why’s” and “what if’s”.

Fatigue and loneliness are not your friends. Reach for peacefulness and some time alone.

Be gentle with yourself. You are a survivor of the death of a loved one. You can survive anything.

Therefore, be at peace with yourself and with your God, whoever you believe God is. In the noisy confusion of the holiday season strive to be at peace with yourself. In spite of all that you have faced, it is still a beautiful world.